Let’s just ignore the fact I broke my schedule on Tuesday and didn’t post because I was feeling a bit down and rubbishy, shall we? Good.
I’m not good at things. For real. Doing things is hard for me. I had no idea how I’d deal with university because sometimes even getting out of bed is a struggle. I thought it’d be a whole new world for me (cue the Aladdin soundtrack) and it is at times the only thing I throw all my energy at but it’s also sometimes a bit… meh.
For me, uni is an in between. A rollercoaster of ups and downs, highs and lows. I’ve never completely loved it because much of university culture isn’t me. I like home comforts and I don’t like getting so completely drunk you forget your name and your morals. I go out, but when I do I have 3 mental breakdowns in the day about said going out, end up really tipsy by 11, sober up by 1 and spend the rest of my time either emotional happy or emotional sad longing to be bare faced and asleep. I like my own space, I like being surrounded by people I know and trust. That’s the way I function best.
Sometimes being at university is horrifically too much to handle at once and everything seems too difficult, too impossible and takes too much of my energy. I love learning. I really am enthusiastic about my degree. I love my subject and I get excited to write good essays and make great things but it’s tough. Everything makes me feel stupid. I’m not ready for that again, I don’t like it. I like to do good.
I don’t know why but the driving tests me. I have zero regrets about living at home and commuting but I’m not confident in my car and the journey can be long, especially if I’m going in for one lecture and need to get straight back in my car. It’s tiring. Sometimes driving when I am so exhausted is not safe, I always feel close to pulling over for a nap. Sometimes I wish I had somewhere to just crash.
I’m not ready for petty dramas and people who are about as mature as mozzarella. I want to be constructive and not get involved in things I don’t need to. I want to really put myself first both in my work and socially.
I’ve worked so hard on my blog over the summer too. I’m worried I won’t be able to post as brilliantly as I have been but I need to try. I know my priorities. I’m worried it’s going to test me this year, that work/life balance.
I know I need to look after my health above everything so I can be the best I can. I’m healthy and I have my mental health usually under control but my under active thyroid makes me feel so tired and drained and low. I don’t function well because of that. It makes me slow and sluggish. I know I need to fight it.
When I’m at uni I miss my normal life, you know the semi-normal life I had outside of uni. I miss seeing the friends I have time for when I’m not studying. I miss working overtime to get some extra money. I miss time with my family. I miss being able to have days in bed, looking after myself and having time to myself. But I know I can’t live my life without adulting too…
Don’t get me wrong, I am excited to go back to uni. It’s going to be so great to see my friends after so long. I have new stationery and new clothes and I’m so excited to push myself to be as brilliant as I can.
But holy crap am I anxious about going back, maybe more anxious than I was the first time. That kinda excites me. I’m far from the person I was a year ago and I’m so excited to learn more about and test myself more than I have before. I can’t wait to get back to schedule and to work on myself. University is definitely not what I expected but it’s worth the struggles because the good bits are so blissfully wonderful.