Sweeping declaration incoming… I’m not going to pretend to enjoy things I don’t enjoy anymore. And top of that list? Clubbing. My god, I hate clubbing. I know, I know, I’m only 20 and should be enjoying it while I can. But actually, I’m rather over the whole thing. I’m so sick of finding reasons to not go out when the real reason is that I hate it. When everyone else is getting drunk on a bottle of vodka and bad decisions, I’m so happy to be watching the telly in bed.
So what is it about clubbing that doesn’t appeal to me? I think a huge part of it is because of who I am as a person – I’m anxious, easily overwhelmed and the total opposite of a party girl. Maybe it’s because I was never cool? Maybe it’s because I’d never had the confidence I do now? But the bottom line is that I like being in control. I like my own space and to move at my own pace. As a general rule of my anxiety, I don’t do well in the heat. I don’t do well in a crowded environment or with little fresh air. So the clubbing environment is a huge anxiety trigger for me anyway.
Also – I’m fat and being fat means that finding something nice to wear in a club is a nightmare. Everything is cropped or skin tight or shows way too much skin. But then it’s one extreme to the other and wearing too much melts my makeup off because it’s too hot. And me being me, I can’t feel good unless I look good.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I bloody love to drink. It helps me feel confident, subdues my anxiety, makes me feel happy. I live for a pitcher at Wetherspoons with people I actually like, trust and can have a laugh with. But when I’m in a club I can’t be arsed to queue for an overpriced, watered down drink. And university culture means unless you’re really drunk (can’t stand, can’t talk, spewing over a toilet drunk) YOU NEED TO KEEP DRINKING. Call it ‘lad culture’ or whatever but doing stupid things to make memories just isn’t for me. Personally, my body tells me to stop drinking after a while and sends a message to my brain which I listen to. I know my limits and I stick to them. Plus, I’m the kind of girl who hasn’t even touched a cigarette in her life. And every night out, without fail, I’ve seen both friends and strangers out of control on drugs. Each to their own but I’m not a drug person. I’m barely in control sober, I’d hate to make that feeling 1000 times worse.
I’ve had disgusting experiences with men in clubs too. Being touched where I didn’t want to be touched with sweaty hands. Being grabbed. Being followed. Stuff that I should have done something about at the time but didn’t really think there was anything I could have done. Stuff that men get away with every single night. I won’t repeat the things that have been said to me in clubs because it actually makes me feel quite ill but it’s no big secret that men can be gross on a night out. That’s another reason I hate clubbing to add to the list.
It’s actually quite upsetting because even though I really, really can’t and shouldn’t… I love dancing after many malibu and cokes. But I like doing it without all the shit that comes with being in a club environment. I can do a party, a pub and a Wetherspoons but I’d like to refrain from the club as much as possible from now.
For my 21st am I going have a night out? Maybe. If I can any friends. But do you know what I’d really love to do instead? Stay somewhere nice, a cabin or maybe an Air BnB. Go for walks. Cook dinners with my friends. Make cocktails. Eat chocolates. Drink and play games until we can’t keep our eyes open any longer. Make memories where we can hear each other over our music, don’t feel grossed out by strangers and actually remember everything that happened in the morning.
Here’s to only doing the things we want to do and avoiding the things we hate without guilt.