Let me just say, the title of this post is not a great one. It’s pretentious and I’m not philosophical. I barely understand what the word means. I honestly just couldn’t think of a better way to sum up my latest epiphany.
For a few years now I haven’t been sure on exactly who I want to be. The way I used to see it was that I had so many choices on who to be… I could be the Elana who eats clean and cooks from fresh, works out properly several times a week, only drinks water and looks good as a skinnier, less wobbly girl. I could be the Elana who is messy but elegant with it, curvy and fabulous, without a thigh gap, eating whatever she likes, comfortable in her underwear and not ashamed of her fat rolls. I could be a party girl who tells her anxiety to do one, drinks a lot and goes out when she could be studying. I could be the Elana who’s always a blogging, beauty queen, pretending to have her life together mega star. I could be naturally pretty and wear next to no makeup and baggy jumpers all the time and be focused on purely academic stuff. I could cake my face in product, do cut creases and use so much highlighter everyday and enjoy expensive lashes. I could spend all my time reading, writing or watching movies or travelling or taking up any hobbies I want. I could be constantly on the go or constantly looking after myself.
The list of possibilities went on. Although the problem was that, in my mind, I had to pick just one. How could I be happy, but eat what I want at the same time without feeling guilty and fat and all those awful things? How could I have time for cooking, exercise, work, a social life and uni all at once without going insane? How was I supposed to decide who I wanted to be?
So, on another late night of sorting out my life I decided for once and for all just to be everything I want to be, all at once. In pure Camp Rock, Demi Lovato style: ‘Why not try everything? Why stop? Reach for any dream’.
I’m gonna be the Elana who can wear any look she wants to and feels amazing. I’m gonna be the Elana who cooks if she wants to, orders takeaway if she fancies it, enjoys party food and birthday cake, drinks alcohol, fizzy drinks or water and enjoys food without the added guilt. I’m gonna be the Elana who works out in the shed with her brother when she can and has fun with it, but doesn’t feel bad when she doesn’t have time because she’s earning some money or working on an essay. I’m gonna be the Elana who pushes herself to go out more and lets herself actually have fun but also has nights in bed with Netflix when she needs it. I’m gonna be the Elana who fake tans when she needs a boost, moisturises when she remembers, is consistent with her skin care and takes her meds every single day. I’m gonna be the Elana who writes about what she wants and gets her work done but lets herself be a stereotypically unorganised student from time to time.
The bottom line is, the people in my life will love me and stand by me no matter which version of myself I chose to be on which day. I enjoy what I want, when I want, how I want. I’m organised but I’m beginning to allow for spontaneity. I’m finding a balance. I live everyday of my life like I’m the most important person in it and let myself be human. Most importantly, I don’t stay up worrying about things anymore because 9 times out of 10, I know they’ll sort them selves out by the morning. Tomorrow will always be kinder. And tomorrow is a new opportunity to be whoever I want to be – as long as I’m happy.