Hi, just a heads up before we get into the post. This gets very real. More real that I’ve ever shown online. I haven’t edited anything out and it terrifies me. Because it’s like reading the diary extract of a different girl. I wrote this a few months ago as a draft post with no clue where it was headed. I was in a really dark place again and I wasn’t sure why I was writing – I just knew I wanted to. It’s hard for me to read it let alone share with the world. But it’s mental health awareness week and in the interest of honesty, it just makes sense to post it. I hope that anyone reading this who is struggling too finds some solace in it. My mental health continually fluctuates and it always will – it’s all about understanding and managing it. I’m stable-ish right now so that’s good but mental illnesses are very real, very hard and very hard to talk about. I want to change that. Here goes.
P.S. At the bottom of this post I’ve included some helpline numbers you can call if you need help. Look after yourself. It’s okay not to be okay.
So I’m tipsy. Pretty tipsy. More tipsy than I should be completely alone watching The Vampire Diaries final season on the sofa in my pyjamas. It’s late. I value sleep above nearly everything nowadays so maybe I should sleep. That’d be logical. But then again, maybe I should continue writing because it feels like a diary and I can’t remember the last time I picked up my diary. Years. I think it used to help me. Maybe it made things worse. When I look back through it now all I see is sadness. And now, I’d say 1 in 5 days is actually a bad one. I’m a lot better now. Or I think I am. I’m strong. I’m wise. I try to stay in tune with everything – with my body, my mind. I have to control it. But tonight it’s controlling me and I don’t know how to fight it. I deal with my depression and anxiety on a daily basis so I should be okay. But something is off tonight.
Anyway, who’s idea was it to drink wine when I’m both alone and having a really, really bad night? Oh yeah mine. Because I wanted to feel better. Because I thought I’d be able to drink and have a boogie and feel better. Because it’s a bad night for me. But it’s not working. A bad sinking, unflinching night full of the kind of depression that feels unescapable. I feel like I’m 16 again. Lost. Confused. Consumed by hurt. Lots of emotion. And I’m really sad tonight above everything. Sad in a way that used to control me in every way, every day back when I was first dealing with my mental health and was so unsure of how to deal with it properly.
So why am I writing about the bad stuff? Surely this is too personal? Too real to be sharing with strangers? Well that’s the thing. It’s real. And I want to be real. I want more than anything to be true to myself. To share the reality of on-going mental health and how it truly never leaves you alone. How it catches you off guard. How sometimes you’ll have a nice day of uni work, lots of time in bed, a cheeky nandos and a sunny car ride with your brother and then everything will stop, slow down and send you off to a bad place again. More than ever I want to write about mental health as if there’s no taboo. Without fear of judgement. Without reserve. I want to take away it’s power. I hate that something controls me in this way. My life throws me so many opportunities that are ruined and damaged by my mental state. I want to be so happy. I want to be happy in the way that other people are. But I’m not. Everything is slow and cold and makes me want to retreat into myself in a way that I haven’t in years.
So. Why exactly am I suffering tonight? Wish I knew. I’m nervous. I have something happening tomorrow which could be good but could be terrifying and out of my comfort zone but could also be nothing. I’m full of dread. Dread for uni projects and essays and wanting second year and the travesty that it has been to be done with. I’m scared to walk into work on Sunday, tired, ill and scared – having to talk to somebody about leaving another job because things have got so hard again. I am so tired. Tired in a way that I’ve never experienced before. All I want to do is sleep. I’m unhappy with my life. I’m unhappy with uni. I’m unhappy with work. I’m unhappy with the person I’ve become. All I’ve ever known and held onto is that I’m a good person and more and more everyday I doubt it. What do I do so wrong that people can never stay with me? Am I difficult to like? Why are things so hard? Do I bring this on myself?
Above all – why can’t I make myself happy? It should be easier than this. So yeah. It’s a bad night. And I hope it’s only a bad night. I don’t want anymore of this. But who knows. Could be hours, could be weeks. I just hope I always find something within me that pushes me to keep going because I know it’s never going to leave me fully. I know it’s always going to be there. I know it’s a part of who I am.