Hello, yes I have an exciting relationship announcement to share with you. Are you ready to meet the one at long last? Well, she’s been here all along. Yep. I’m currently in a relationship with my number one – me. And not just in a sad – wow, help I’ve reached new levels of single so I’ll just marry myself way. I’m falling in love with myself and we’re very, very happy together.
In all seriousness though, I’ve not lost my mind. Not yet. What I really mean is that I’m focusing all my positive energy towards myself. Whilst everyone else on my social media seems to be getting engaged with a beautiful backdrop or finally finding their lobster (and a sincere congrats to them), I’m over here learning to love myself like I would someone else.
And sure, it’s easy to claim that your love yourself when you’re at your best. It’s so good to feel good when you look good. But the truth is that I’ve been at a steady low for a while now. I’ve been struggling really badly – more than I’m happy to admit. Blame it on my hormones testing me, a random flare up of my depression or Mercury’s endless retrograde which threw me off massively – I’ve had a rough few with my mental health. I’ve struggled badly with my rebellious skin. I’m not looking my slimmest. But through that all, I’ve still supported myself. I’ve given myself time to grow and I’ve given myself the love that I could be giving to someone else.
Our obsession with self-growth is perceived as a millennial cliché – but it’s still insanely important to me. The phrase ‘you can’t love anyone till you love yourself’ gets thrown around a lot. Ask me what I thought about it a year ago and I’d have told you it was bullshit, but ask me about it now and I’d have to agree. There’s no denying that my past relationship helped me heal a lot and pushed me to work on certain traumas, especially those concerning my body. But I really do think that I have a hell of a lot more to work through before I can be truly at peace with who I am. And, I need to do that on my own. I need to know myself before I choose to give myself to somebody else again.
When we fall in love, we tend to block out any flaws that the other person may have because they are so much more outside of that. With my new outlook in mind, there are new things I realise about myself every day that I adore and those things are so much more important than my cellulite or my acne or my scars. Although I’ve said so many times that my mental health will always be a part of who I am – there is suddenly so much room for healing that I never had before. I suddenly feel as if I’m on the edge, of not getting over my mental trauma all together but at least learning more about it and how it’s affected me over the years. For so long, I felt like I’d never be able to understand or respect myself in the way I’m beginning to now but.
Now, I don’t worry about every decision I make. I put so much less pressure on myself. I’m over toxic people, unhealthy relationships and quite simply refuse to settle for less than I deserve. I’m in tune with both my body and my mind. I’m doing things that I love to do like getting tattoos and new piercings. I’m publicly sharing my appreciation for the things that make me happy. I’m getting rid of anything or anyone that hurts me beyond reason. I’m learning to love myself at every size, in every mood and no matter how much I’m achieving or struggling. It’s unconditional.
So yeah. Feeling good even though I’m not feeling great – if that makes sense? That’s all for today’s comeback – hope you’re having a great day! P.S. Ariana’s new album is really helping me feel like a badass Queen so if you need some inspiration to pull you out of the pit of self-loathing that’s so easy to fall into – listen to sweetner 7000 times until you feel like I do.
Photography by Holly – @holly.andrewsphotography_